You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
