Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
