I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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