I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
