70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
