I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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