I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
