I cannot find my penis.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
birth control should be required to get into college
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
