guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
