after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
