Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
