I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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