so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
