I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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