I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Someone signed my nipple.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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