if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
