I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize