I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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