Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
