I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
