Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
