"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
