im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
