I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
