the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
