that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
