I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
