She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
