So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
