happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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