Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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