just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
