So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
