Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
