Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
