I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
