I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
