So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize