thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
