im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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