from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
