i just had sex bonerless
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
