You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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