guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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