Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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