Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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