my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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