so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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