I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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