I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
