does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
