I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
