So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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