after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
