Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
