I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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