I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
