I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Boobs are out for the taking
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
