I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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