dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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