If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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