hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
