I'm fucking your sister right now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.