uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
